[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
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My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Shark week, but for squirrels.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Why am I like this?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg