People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
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People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done