My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office