Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.