@MarfSalvador me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
@shatty48 Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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@MarfSalvador 
@dave_cactus ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
@E_lok44 One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
@LostCatDog Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
@XplodingUnicorn 4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
@Bandersnaaatch There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
@GrantTanaka black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
@CrzyCharly Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
@TuSoonShakur “Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
@bholejuice When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.