Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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馃毑+physics = winner
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick