me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.