Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
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me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
#growingpains
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.