*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
#Caturday
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.