The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
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“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt