If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
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Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Bloody internet 😳
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad