Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
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Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan