Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
You Might Also Like
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
can’t bark with your mouth full