Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
my name if I was in the mob
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
why am i having trouble navigating this map??