When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.