If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
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gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Aight bet
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits