The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
You Might Also Like
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I am patiently waiting for your email
this chia pet tastes awful
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.