friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
You Might Also Like
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
the official breakfast of 2021
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!