friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.