friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
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Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-
Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
I don’t wanna look silly
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
“dress for the job you want”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: that could what Charles
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*
*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]