Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
You Might Also Like
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Today’s Times