“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
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asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…