So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah