I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07