Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.