I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
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her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
stand with me against insufficient seating
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult