A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
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If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
My patience has stretch marks.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.