My patience has stretch marks.
You Might Also Like
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped