The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95