[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
How wrong was this guy?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Wait a minute
Woke up against my better judgement again
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist