Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
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My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.