Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
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Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I got bills
They’re multiplying
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”