The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
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My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I was up all night reading about insomnia
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.