1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
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Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project