My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Inside you there are two wolves
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”