Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Dishonest mechanic?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.