If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

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Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.


*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth


I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.


“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”


If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth


Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants


It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.


Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.


The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.