@Marlebean

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

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@BiscuitFloater

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@omically

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

@noog

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

@withanewname

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

@AndyRichter

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

@dadpickupline

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

@OlanDevine

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

@ElKnuckelhombre

The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.