If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
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yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Message from the dog groomers
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
started wrapping my pills in cheese
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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