Message from the dog groomers
You Might Also Like
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location