So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
You Might Also Like
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.