officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van