officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..