[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
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girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.