*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
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*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*