[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
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me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
and now we wait
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Every photo I’m tagged in
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Florida be like…
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.