This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
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I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.