“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
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Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”