My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
#SaturdayBears
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.