As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I wanna be friends with this person
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??