Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
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Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Candles never taste the way they smell
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.