ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
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y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Every. Damn. Time.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes