Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
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You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Bless you
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.