relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Thoughts
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
when nothing goes right… go left
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.