I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Birds & Planes.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.