Birds & Planes.
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Pizza is an emotion right?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around