Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I hope this email finds you in a well
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted