my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
You Might Also Like
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
back to work
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!