An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
You Might Also Like
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I have never related to anyone more.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Nothing.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all